to love a woman

An hour or so ago, I went to pick up my kids from school. They take forever to come to the car and sometimes they ignore me hoping to prolong the playtime. I usually get into the playground and haul them to the car. Today I let them be. I was feeling nostalgic so I played a bit of music from yesteryear. And Bryan Adams got me thinking: how many men have really loved their women? According to Bryan Adams, you have not really loved your woman if you have not done the following:

1. known her deep inside
2. heard her every thought
3. seen her every dream
4. given her wings when she needs to fly
5. told her she is really wanted
6. told her she is the one
7. told her its going to last forever
8. let her hold you till until you know how she needs to be loved
9. breathed her, tasted her, until you could feel her in your blood
10. shown her a little tenderness.

Now I know this is rather difficult and most of the time African men think it is a sign of weakness to show a woman that she is really loved. They urge each other on on how to best ill - treat women. The suggestions they give each other would be hilarious if they were not so frightening. I suppose that is the legacy of colonialism which we will need to address.

This might sound like sentimental drivel, but a woman really needs to be loved. If you show her a bit of love, she will be there for you right to the end taking good care of you.

Don't listen to friends who tell you you need to show a woman her place (she will know it if you treat her right), do not entertain thoughts of beating her up for whatever reason (I know there are women who love getting a beating every now and again - the masochists - I am not referring to those) because nothing kills a woman's spirit like a beating and verbal abuse, do not cheat on her (if you feel the need to cheat, you did not love her in the first place!) and cherish her. A woman is like a flower and needs a lot of attention; attend to her and she will bloom, ignore and neglect her and she will wilt and die. And so her love also dies.

And remember every woman is different, know her and what makes her happy and you are half way there. Just because your mother tolerated your father's sport, do not think your woman will tolerate the same thing. You do not want to spent the rest of your life with someone who is with you just because she is too broke to manage on her own.

So if you are a man ask yourself if you know your woman, know her dreams and what makes her happy. If you are a woman do tell if you have ever felt loved!


love and peace,

fadz

reality tv

We are insincere. We are untruthful. We are fanciful.

 Which is why we invented television. Television is the summation of who we are as people. Our morals, obligations and perceptions. Which is why I hate reality tv so much. It depicts everyone who watches as glorying in the pain and humiliation of others. We are voyuers getting our thrills on demand no different from the perverts who do this for sexual gratification. Peeping toms who it has been decided have the license, nay permission to watch other people live their lives and take pleasure from it. Why we have even invented competitions around the same concept!

This is what wikipedia says about reality tv:
The genre covers a wide range of television programming formats, from game show or quiz shows which resemble the frantic, often demeaning Japanese variety show shows produced in Japan in the 1980s and 1990s (such as Gaki no tsukai), to surveillance- or voyeurism-focused productions such as Big Brother.
Reality television frequently portrays a modified and highly influenced form of reality, at times utilizing sensationalism to attract audience viewers and increase advertising revenue profits. Participants are often placed in exotic locations or abnormal situations, and are often persuaded to act in specific scripted ways by off-screen "story editors" or "segment television producers", with the portrayal of events and speech manipulated and contrived to create an illusion of reality through direction and post-production editing techniques.

Life is never tidy. It is very dirty, messy even and cannot be compartmentalised. It is rather difficult to confine all impressions into spaces infinitely smaller than the life itself. No event is too small, fleeting or insignificant that it should be missed. We do not need scripted reality. E. M. Forster wrote, "Inside a cocoon of work or social obligation, the human spirit slumbers for the most part, registering the distinction between pleasure and pain, but not nearly as alert as we pretend,"  and "When real things are so wonderful, what is the use of pretending?"

And there is a lot of pretending. Scripts and editing. There is no reality. There are rehearsals off camera and no surprises. Lies.

There are endless hours spend doing nothing in a particularly thrilling day. When nothing happens. Nothing. Something that reality shows fail to acknowledge! So if we are going to pretend let us do so properly with enough pomp to ensure everyone is aware that this is not real.


peace,

fadz

classic ways to break up with someone

Breaking up with someone is never easy especially if you have been in a long term relationship. You wrestle with yourself, finally convince yourself that the break up is what you really want and you are faced with a new dilemma; how to break it gently with the other person. Here are some of the ways you can use to break up with your beloved:

1. A Note on the dressing table
If you don't have one (a dressing table), you can just chuck the note on the pillow, table, fridge or the shoe rack. You just clear out your stuff and steal off into the night like a thief. But this only works if the place is not yours and you have a temporary place to stay while you sort yourself out. If the place is yours you might need to consider one of the other methods.


2. Confrontation
This is not for the fainthearted. If the other person has a dominant personality you might think of shelving this idea. It is sometimes difficult to stand your ground if you have a chicken personality. They (the beloved) will often try to convince you to stay, as in stay in the relationship. You might be convinced that what you have decided is not good for you, that you will not amount to anything without them. You need to be strong if you are to succeed in your endeavour. Just say what needs to be said and sweep out of the room (or into one) so there are no comebacks. As  precaution, do not go into secluded places, get into their car and some such thing. People have been known to be left far from home with no money to get back. And have the police on speed dial in the event the beloved takes the news the wrong way. If you fail to summon enough courage you might consider any of the following.

3. SMS
Send an sms telling them its over, divert all voice calls and make sure there is no other way they can reach you. This might necessitate your switching off the said phone for a number of days. Not a good idea though if the phone is a business phone. Tell your friends not to answer any calls from the beloved and make sure everyone is on the same page.It's cowardly yes, but self - preservation is more important. You might consider also changing your locks and informing everyone that you are no longer an item just so he/she will be too ashamed to chase after you. This requires diligence, lots of airtime and a bit of cash for emergency repairs to your person or property.(Remember the beloved might become angry with the situation and decide on inflicting some grievous bodily harm).


4. Writing on their face book wall
This is insensitive and shameful but it will get the job done. Don't inbox the person. No that will not do. Write on their wall so the whole world can see and share their shame. There is nothing as shameful as finding out that you have been ditched on a public platform. They will take time out to lick their wounds and will never want to speak to you ever again. Or alternatively just change your status to single. Don't flirt with the 'it's complicated' option as this will send mixed messages. Only do this if the beloved has been especially nasty.

5. Cheat on them.
Only do this if you know that your partner will not tolerate it and make sure they find out about it. That way they will break up with you and you wont have to do any serious soul searching. Be careful with this option though as this has a tendency to backfire. And make sure the cheating is very superficial with no sex involved as this just complicates things. You might end up getting a different kind of problem. You know what they say about rebound relationships.



If these methods do not work, do not despair. I am going to work on some foolproof ways to get rid of the beloved.

peace,




fadz

Sharing your space

Depending on the type of family you grew up in, sharing your personal space might be a big problem which might lead to a breakdown in relationships and communication. It might seem insensitive to suggest that like people should get hitched but at the end of the day it is the differences that break us.

I am the first of six children born of a teacher and a nurse so our home life was very middle - class. Our mother was not too keen to let us play with kids from next door because apparently there enough of us in the house to play with. The six of us were in each other's faces for most of the day that there was no privacy at all. I remember that to get any chance to read (we are all voracious readers - encouraged by both parents) one had to get into the toilet and sit for possibly an hour or so and read and read. The toilet also became the refuge for those who wanted to shirk their chores. It became such a haven in the chaos that was our home that it was eventually named the 'refugee camp'.

Watching television and listening to the radio was a nightmare. We could never agree on what to watch. The person who got the remote control first controlled what everyone watched for the rest of the day. And if you got the remote you had to be very careful that you never put it down for even a second as you could relinquish your privileges just like that. If you needed a bathroom break you had to take it with you. The remote came to symbolise power.

The music was slightly better as we were brought up on a staple of Thin Lizzy, Bad Company etc and anything anyone who got to the radio first decided on was tolerable. But there was a period when the youngest tortured us with Thin Lizzy  everyday for weeks. And the time he wanted to watch The Lion King all day long. I forgot to mention that being the youngest meant you had all privileges. You just had to cry and mother would tell everyone to let you have your way.

I swore as I grew up that I was going to get me a big house, no kids and have plenty of time to listen to what I want. Don't get me wrong; I do not dislike my siblings or the way i grew up. Quite the contrary really. I am who I am today because of my past. I discovered that personal space is really overrated and I cannot do without a lot of people in my house.

But people who grew up in small families are really anal about personal space and find it difficult, nay impossible to share space. They really get hectic about stuff which belongs to them and most of the time get upset over what some of us think are petty issues.

Did you know that if you have two children or less, your house can stay spic and span the whole day long? The children stay clean all day long? You don't have to clean up after them because, wonder of wonders, they clean up after themselves? My house used to be a model home when I had 2 kids. When I got the third I lost my energy and they overpowered me. Most of the time for about 3 times a day the house looks like a tornado passed through it. This is mostly around mealtimes. I cannot take my kids visiting to other people's homes unless they also have kids. I do not want to sour relationships because i am inconsiderate and think just because someone has a kid they can tolerate my horde.

There are people who visit with their children who wet their beds or have a predilection towards lighting fires. Now in our culture you can just turn up at a relative or friend's home with your kids for an unspecified period and all will be well. We do not think of how this visit will affect the residents of the house. Never mind the fact that they have not proofed their homes of bed wetters and little arsonists. If you complain, you are a bad host. If you do not say anything, you become a prisoner in your own home. It becomes a no - win situation.

Be considerate and inform your intended hosts that you are going to visit. I do not mind visitors but I mind not being informed of the visit beforehand, throws everything off kilter and messes my plans.

The sharing of personal space should be something you need to consider when you choose a partner because it will determine how long your relationship will last. Can you stay with someone who wants everything just so and their shoes marching in a certain order? Will they mind  if say my sister visits and hogs the bathroom for hours on end? I take a book into the bathroom almost all the time whatever business I am doing, will this make my partner go crazy? You take my books from me and I just might go mad. And I know once you go mad there is no coming back.

Be considerate and do not compromise as something will give eventually.


peace,

fadz

what type of person are you?

If you ask anyone what type of person they are, they will usually lie and say only the positive. People are rarely able to describe themselves because while we know other people well, we do not know ourselves at all. Jacques Rigaut a French poet once said "Don't forget that I cannot see myself, that my role is limited to being the one who looks in the mirror".

Rigaut was probably talking about the outer self. How you view your features is subjective, but how you look at the real you is a matter of importance. Knowing who you really are will save you a lot of heartache and others a lot of pain.

Take for example what happened to me.
A couple of weeks ago I went to a party. The punch was nice and I had a bit too much more than I can usually handle. One person (who must needs remain nameless - I never give up a source unless the source does not mind) asked me about a relative. I started ranting and saying all sorts of rubbish.

Now, if I had been someone , I would say it was the punch talking and that I did not know what I was saying. But that will be a lie. I was quite alright sans the inhibitions which might have stopped me at any other time. A few days after the fated party I met the cousin I had ranted about and she asked me about what I had said (like we are in kindergarten!). She probably had the idea that she would shame me into retracting my words. Consequently she left more upset than when she arrived. I am not the type of person who never say what they do not mean and I never say what I cannot repeat. (Unless I am threatened with grievous bodily harm) Saves a lot of heartache and loss in translation.

 This got me thinking that maybe I am not an especially nice person. I will not lie and say I will change because I am not going. That is me. I acknowledge that I might be difficult to live with even. I sometimes modify my words to spare other people's pain.



How many are aware of who they really are? Do you know the type of person you are?


peace,

fadz

Dating someone much younger

A friend has just started dating a guy who is 10 years her junior. They are very romantic and I find it very annoying because at my age there are certain things which are just that: annoying. Maybe I am just a tiny bit jealous and feel a bit sore that I have not done the same with my partner in a long time. What with the kids and the pressures of being responsible to three tiny human beings, the romance is just not what it used to be. They seem to be besotted with each other. They call each other a zillion times everyday and go on long walks in the evening

Chido's relationship with Greg has brought a few things to light. Not all of them very encouraging though. Here are some of the things that you need to consider if you are to date someone younger.

1. Parties and clubbing. Remember the last time you went clubbing and really let go and had tons of fun? This might have faded into some distant memory along with platforms and singing along to Ace of Base but let me remind you of the fun you had; carefree and clean fun which left you exhausted and exhilarated. Date someone younger and you might just get your groove back. But there is a downside: remember that time when you could run a 100metres in under a minute and still go on to run another 100metres? You cannot do that now and keep your dignity. Just as you cannot last a night of psyched intense senseless clubbing. But don't let me stop you; people have been known to die with smiles on their faces.

2. Feeling Young. It's catching; you hang around young people  and you will start to feel young again. I know because I am a high school teacher and the students  make me feel young. And remember you are as young as you feel. There is no downside to this.

3. The Limelight. You get into a room and people notice you. They talk about you and whisper about you. They envy you and wish they were you. But remember it's not always a good thing. They might even be laughing at you. Remember to be strong and let their snickers wash over you. After all it was your decision and you are supposed to be having fun.


4. The SEX. You can be adventurous and explore those things which you never thought you could. The sex can be great almost 70% of the time. The down side is the 30% crappy sex but I guess you can always work on that.

5. You can get away with anything. If you stroll in the park, kissing and holding hands; people just look at you condescendingly like you are mad but they will not say anything at all. Clubs and certain venues become open to you when previously they were not. It becomes permissible to do absolutely anything. Everything is placed at the door of the folly of youth. And be honest, there is no downside to this.

6. The clothes. Please throw away those yesteryear clothes that you inherited from your dead grandmother, aunt, sister etc. You need to come down to level of the person you are dating and that means a complete wardrobe change. You will require pots of money and a certain grit. If you hold on to those grandpa, granny clothes you will look your age! Downside? Goodness I do not even know where to start! Try stuffing yourself into some of the ridiculous clothes without flossing your behind and giving yourself a hernia!

If you are not in a relationship and are thinking of entering the cutthroat world of dating, consider someone young and have an adventure of a lifetime. I wish Chido joy and happy hunting guys.

love,

fadz

of used Japanese cars

After the headline in the herald of the deadline about the used Japanese cars older than 5 years, there has been a lot of debate on the permissibility of such an action. There have been water cooler  debates on what this means. One colleague said it is a ploy by the rich to make sure that the poor stay poor and do not own cars. Another said it is a way of punishing people who do not own cars and cannot afford the pricey new cars. Someone even said ZIMRA (Zimbabwe Revenue Authority) has made pockets of money and they are just tired.

Has anyone really thought of the impact those second, third, fourth hand cars have on our economy, environment? They will eventually break down beyond repair and will litter the country with unsightly 'scrappers'. Are there places designated for scrap yards? Do we have the necessary equipment and plants to recycle those used cars? Because we are going to need them soon! When they break down there is need for costly parts which need to be imported leading to further erosion of much needed money. The government is cash strapped.

The problem with us Zimbabweans is that we are selfish beyond the pale. We think only of instant gratification and disregard the impact of our actions. Its always me me me me, never about the greater good. We never think beyond today, beyond now. We have become obsessed with cheap imports (and we love anything foreign bless our greedy little hearts) which is why other nations take advantage of us.

We have become the dumping ground for expired medicine, skin lightening creams that are illegal in the developing countries because of health hazards, unwanted cars which they do not have the capacity or inclination to recycle and cheap and sometimes unhealthy goods  which have become the bane of our lives and economy.

Has anyone seen the kind of congestion on the roads at all hours in Harare? You can hardly move. Our roads do not have the capacity to handle the volumes of traffic now in the city. If you leave home after 07.30 and you want to get into town then you can forget about getting to work early. Whilst it might seem callous, unkind even, the government has to be cruel to be kind and I hope that deadline stays.