countdown to christmas

We are almost there; that time of the year when we celebrate the birth of Christ (if you are christian that is). Christmas was a big deal when we were growing up. When we celebrated the occasion at the rural homestead it was an even bigger deal. It meant two sets of new clothes and new shoes for Christmas and new year. Mountains of bread (slathered with sun jam [no marmalade or some such spreads - we had not acquired the taste]), gallons of tea, lots of soft drinks, vetkoeks, balloons, sweets, rice and sometimes lots of beef or goat meat. Oh it was fun! We would wake up in the morning, have tea, then the rest of the food around lunch time. The gramophone (the kind which always looked like a briefcase, came in funny colours and was battery operated [my parents still have one]) would be brought out and we would dance to some music before going visiting. We would get more food at each of the homestead we visited. Then we would end up at the growth point dancing to music.

There was a sense of community which was gratifying and amazing. I knew almost all my relatives and was close to most of my cousins. Now it is a different story; our kids do not know all their relatives. Christmas is spent where it is convenient and we no longer spend Christmas as the huge extended families like we used to. it is almost an ordinary day.

There are those who argue that Christmas like valentine and Easter are machinations of the retailers who want to strip us of our hard earned money. It might be true which is why it is never a good idea to do your shopping in December. But I still feel that we have neglected Christmas. It is not the food, or the new clothes but the coming together as families and having a roaring good time that is important.

And this year things do not look promising either. People are buried in debt [what with the loans the banks were giving left right and centre], prices have gone up and we have grown selfish. I know there is no disposable income but how about pooling resources as families and celebrate Christmas together? I have not felt christmassy for a long time and I really miss it. Forget the family bickering and trauma that this holiday brings and just enjoy it!

peace,

fadz

giving with joy

Our lives have become so frenetic that we find it very difficult to pause and take stock of what is going on around us. We have become engrossed in taking care of number 1 and our own forgetting that there are others who might really need our help. Now most people think help is only given in the form of money but a friendly gesture, a smile goes a long way. Just pausing in your rush for the elusive dollar to shake someones hand will reaffirm their belief in the existence of God. It takes nothing from you and you get a lot of blessings in return.

I was humbled by the students at Speciss College Chitepo High School who led by Larnce Paulser and accompanied by four tutors (I was one of the four) and the Director of studies Mrs Mutepfa, went to Streets Ahead and Mashambanzou Care Trust to donate clothes and foodstuffs. The students had rallied and collected clothes, food and hygiene products. It was really interesting to see how willing children are to give. But this really works if there is support from home. Larnce's parents really got into and collected donations from their workplaces. Premier milling represented on the day by Fiona Evershed the sales and marketing manager, deserves a special mention here for the support they gave towards the venture.

The visit to Streets Ahead was short as we did not get to meet any of the beneficiaries of the donations. The one to Mashambanzou though was an eye opener; interesting, educational and slightly disturbing. But not in a bad way.

The Care Centre was established in 1989 by Sr Noleen Nolan of the LCM sisters. At present it is located at 40 Sandown Road in the tranquil neighbourhood of Waterfalls Harare. It provides holistic care for people living with HIV/AIDS.

We were welcomed by Mr Basikiti the donations coordinator. I had the idea that we would hand over the donations greet the patients and then be on our way. 40 minutes tops. But Mr Basikiti and his colleagues had a different plan and we ended up staying for more than 2 hours; the most educational 2 hours I have ever spent.

In the shed before the slideshow

 We were shown a slide-show of people suffering from STI's and HIV/AIDS. The images which we were warned were not for those with a nervous disposition were unsettling and reminded us of the 1990s when the same said images were the order of the day and we ran for the hills. The slide show reminded me of the documentary Aids in the tropics which used to shown to college students a long time ago. Whilst we were watching the slide show a patient died.With the advent of ARVs those sights are a thing of the past. Or so I thought. It is clear that the people are still careless and irresponsible with their lives and the lives of the innocent. We no longer run for the hills because we do not see  people dying from the virus that much anymore. Everyone looks healthy and we have forgotten the most immediate past. The sufferers are now the ones disappearing to fight the disease in solitude and it is places like Mashambanzou which grant sufferers a place to heal and regain their dignity.

We were not allowed to take pictures of the patients and understandably so. It would violate the need for privacy of the patients and subject them to unwarranted attention; there is still a lot of stigma attached to the disease. I was rudely made aware that people's behaviour has not changed at all and there is need for some drastic action to curb the spread of the disease.

 The children were disappointed that they never got to see any kids but that was not necessarily a bad thing; children always suffer more in the clutches of HIV/AIDS.

The handing over of donations

 The donations were handed over and we went on our way. I left with mixed feelings; happy about the change the students had made in their lives and those of others and sad and angry at the same time because people are still unaware of the implications of their behaviour. There is serious need for behaviour change and I strongly believe the National AIDS Council is not doing its job properly. Companies should also fulfil their social responsibility by making the public aware of the implications of their behaviour as well as take a leaf from Premier Milling and give with joy.

The journey meant only to give the donations became a learning experience for everyone who was on that bus. Giving with joy is stronger than prayer sometimes!

Mrs Mutepfa handing over the donations

Fiona Evershed, Mrs Paulser, Mrs Mutepfa and the Mashambanzou rep

A fruitful partnership!       

The donations

Mrs Mavhengere, Mrs Paulser and yours truly

Mrs Mavhengere and Mrs Mutepfa

The students who made it possible

Larnce Paulser, F Muchemwa and Mrs Mavhengere

A photo opportunity

When you have done something wonderful there is cause for celebration.

The party at school the next day.

Even the tutors enjoyed the juice and biscuits!

Mrs Mavhengere and Mrs Mutepfa

Eric Gumbie, S Gumbo, Nyari Huchu, Mr Masvosva

democratic parenting?

The most difficult job you can ever have is becoming a parent. You become responsible for most part for another human being who will depend solely on you for a time. Children are the easiest when they are tiny tots. They turn 5 and all hell breaks loose. They become little individuals with minds of their own and refuse to listen to you. It becomes an uphill struggle from then on, which becomes one that might require the relief of medication when they become teenagers.

This is compounded by the fact that today children have an arsenal at their disposal to torture you with. The technology is just dumbfounding and frightening. The other day my students were talking about chat rooms which they deemed unsafe for youngsters and I decided to check them out. I was alarmed by what I discovered: there is no protection of minors from preying perverts. There are chat rooms where you have to be 18 to enter but there is no strict streaming of participants to ensure that they really are 18 and over. There is a warning given before entering any chat room on mxit that participants should not give out personal information but I discovered that they rarely take heed of the warning. On 2go anyone can enter any chat room; there are no restrictions.

Children do what their friends are doing and it is essential to ensure that your children do not keep with the wrong crowd. Which begs the question: should you choose who your kids play and hang out with and monitor what they do? There are parents who let their kids run wild; doing what they want, picking up nasty habits and language. You children become what you let them be. If you let them hang around arsonists, no good losers, addicts of all sorts then you shouldn't be surprised if they turn out to be little parasites you can never get rid of.

peace,

fadz

Fear, batty and beyond

Fear.

A four letter word with a lot of connotations.

Fear is what drives us as adults. We finish school, leave home and become responsible for ourselves. It is not especially hard or fearful then. There is the option of going back home to stay if we fail to get our act together. Which is why some cling to the bachelorhood/spinisterhood state with such tenacity. We are afraid of failure and want to keep our options open.

There are some of us who are fearless and take the plunge as soon as we can. Once you have done this you have burned your bridges and the fear of failure is a palpable thing. Going back home after a failed starter marriage is never an option; you just need to move on without going back to the family home. Once you have gone back, you will be labelled a failure and most parents are not too keen on return soldiers (women who have divorced). For men it is better but you lose the status you earned the moment you got married; noone does anything special for you and they ingore you at family functions unless someone takes pity on you. You will need to re earn the priviledges that come with marriage.

People fear change as it is unpredictable and might upset their lives. They fear anything new which they do not understand. It is easy to disciminate and persecute anything new because its existance might upset the chain of being. People are afraid of failure.

It is that fear that keeps people in unhealthy relationships, unsatisfactory jobs and unfulfilling lives. It is that fear which keeps everyone firmly entrenched in their illogical views. It is especially so for christians. There are times when my fellows christians shame me and make me so mad I want to climb walls. The emergence of multi-belief societies is frightening to christians and give rise to bigotry. It is interesting that while the Bible mentions money and in particular the exploitation of the poor far more than sex, christians concentrate more on the sex and sexuality. Why not concentrate on alleviating poverty and ensuring that every child gets a basic education?

Perhaps it is because that christianity, in particular its conventional sects, is on the decline. What with its ultra right views and blatant bigotry, christianity is no longer the drug of choice. And it is no longer the only available opium of the masses. There are other religions and new emerging sects of christianity which are more appealing and accepting of the shortcomings of the people. Perhaps it is the fear of extinction that has christians ranting about the "gaystapo' and forgetting that in persecuting others when they believe that they are in the right, they are further alienating the few followers that they have.

Human beings are social animals and we mostly want to belong. We are inherently afraid of being alone and we strive a lot to belong. Do not be ruled by that fear.

peace,

fadz

Things you should never say or do in public.

There really should be a boundary to what you can say or do in public especially in the workplace.

1. That you do not have a partner
So you have been failing to get yourself attached to someone. Who cares? Do not tell us of your desperation. Its not as if we can help you in any way. Join a dating website; it works better.

2. Tell us about your sexual life
So you really got down to the dirty basics last night. You finally got some action after months of drought. So what?! There are some who might not want to hear of your sexual exploits. And this is not something you can say in public. Here is a hint: tell your friends!

3. Tell us your household problems
OKAY so last night you had a fight with your neighbour, your partner. Tell your friends. (I do suppose you have some). Washing dirty linen in public never does anyone any good. We do it from time to time, but it is just not on.

4. Come on to someone
It is advisable to come on to someone in private or where there is no obvious audience. If you are rejected and there is an audience, the mortification might just bury you. And it is never advisable to try dating someone at work, if it does not work out... You know the kind of drama you get from soured relations in the work place.

5. Dance if you are a less than competent dancer
The gyrations of incompetent dancers are just sad. And the suggestive scandaluous dancing is just not on. It will give us a wrong impression of the kind of person you are. We will laugh and clap not because you are good, but because of the spectacle you will be making of yourself.

I understand most people did communication skills at O'level (registers for those who have forgotten). Why not use those skills so you do not annoy others?

peace,

fadz

Why you might think you are in a relationship when you are not

People have an inherent need to belong and feel loved. This need is  fulfilled by strong intimate relationship we forge as adults. As young adults, we look for Mr/Miss Right. We look and look until we realise that what we are looking for is akin to the holy grail. Then we settle for Mr/Miss right now. It is when we become desperate and are tired of looking that we might end up thinking we are in a relationship when we are not. You might think you are in a relationship when you are not for mainly two reasons.

1. You are desperate
You will believe anything and will see anything you want to see. You ignore signs which show that the other person is not really interested. You view their disinterest as if they are busy with other 'stuff'. All your friends are married with kids and you feel left out. They have schedules which involve partners when you do not even have one. Your relatives keep hinting that you are over the hill and feel pressured to just get someone. Anyone who shows a bit of interest and is passable will do. Which means you might end up with someone totally unsuited to your temperament and you will regret for the rest of your life.

2. You are not communicating
When someone says they are not ready to have a relationship then do not force them as you will end up having a relationship with yourself. When they introduce you to their friends (when they finally do) you are just a friend. That should tell you. You want commitment and they just want to fool around. You keep turning up at their place but they never come to visit you, not even when you pretend to be ill. If you do not call or text them, then there will be no communication. They never reply your emails, not even the hilarious ones. If you do not do any pushing nothing happens. You think you have a relationship and they think you are just friends.

It is best to sit down and really assess whether you are with someone or you are just clinging to them like a limpet. There is never a timeline to finding the one to spend the rest of your life with.

peace,

fadz

women who want drama

There must be something which happens the moment a woman gets married that messes up her psyche. Most women I know totally lose it when they get married, especially after a first baby. They condone what should not be condoned. They act like demented idiots. They seem to have a permanent psychotic mood shift. The things they do defy explanation. They break bread with dead events all the time, psychoanalysing events which they have no hope of changing.

I have three friends who shall serve to illustrate the insanity of women.


Gladys
Gladys' husband cheats on her regularly. She fights with him and then occasionally beats up the women. She works herself into a frenzy calling everyone inviting us to accompany her on her missions of justice. She is never happy unless there is some drama going on in her life. I think her husband does all her does just to get her goat. There was a time you know when Gladys used to  think logically. When she never went down into the mud to fight with the fools. It is sad and pathetic and is not as if she is going to change the situation. She lost her bargaining power the first day she raised her fists. Crazy. But not as crazy as Ruvimbo and Sindi.

Ruvimbo
Ruvimbo grew up in a loving home secure and stable. She got married to a bounder really. He treats her badly and makes no secret of the fact. Her injuries which were regular he just explains them away  as her punishment for not minding him. Everyone can see that she is on her way to the grave. She makes excuses for Patrick's bad behaviour and even sits in judgement of women who leave abusive husbands. I remember she refused to speak or acknowledge the presence of Tariro another friend who left her husband of seven years because she was tired of being a punching bag. Her reasoning is if she leaves, she is a failure. And will be a failure for the rest of her life. Mad. She might not even have that rest of the life that she thinks of. She spends most of her time talking about what happened in the past and how nice it was. Because our perspective of the past alters and the most recent past is dead ground, her periodic forays into the past changes with each visit.

Sindi
Sindi  is the craziest of the lot. She has a great husband who panders her every whim within reason. She of late has become a tyrant, her husband is a virtual prisoner. She refuses to let him out of her sight and he has to give an audit of his movements if they are not together. If he says something out of turn then he gets a verbal lashing. She is unreasonable verging on madness. The husband appears whipped but he is just trying to keep the peace. There used to be a time when she was the most promiscuous person I knew and it might be she fears her husband will behave the way she used to.

It is not all women who are like my three friends. There are some who defy logic; who are much worse and are difficult to live with. Is there something which happens to women the moment they get married that we should be aware of? Is there a course of treatment?

peace,

fadz

what type of parent are you?

The feelings of inadequacy that we have, the constant need for validation might stem from the way we were raised. If you find yourself in a relationship where you constantly need to be told how lovely you are and that you are loved, then you might not have have gotten enough love as a child or there were too many of you in your family for your parents' love to go around adequately. WE constantly need validation for our actions seeking approval for what we do and the decisions we make because we never got them in the first place.  Our parents' relationships account for the failure or success we make of our own relationships. We more often than not learn from our parents how we should or should not conduct ourselves and their relationships affect our lives profoundly.

That is why some of us find ourselves in the same toxic relationship that our parents had. There are different types of relationships which affect children and determine how they are going to turn out.

1. Loving and loyal
 Some parents provide a balance in their children's lives and love them equally. There are no known favourites. The parents themselves are loving and loyal to each other and as a result their children love others without reserve. Children brought up this way are least likely to become insufferable adults and are tolerant of others who are different. It helps also if the parents are knowledgeable about the world and promote diversity.

2. Judgemental
It does not matter how hard a child tries to excel, the effort will never be enough. The children are constantly compared to friend's and relative's children. If there are high achievers in other families, then the children will be in constant trouble.  There is constant need for validation and the love is grudgingly given. It costs to get any love from the parents. Children brought up this way will most likely equate love with monetary and material gain. They constantly monetise their attention and affection.

3. Cold and distant
Parents who do not know how to relate with their children and are also usually judgemental too. The chidren are emotionally retarded and do not know how to love. As adults they constantly sabotage their relationships because they find it difficult to show what they feel.

4. Abusive
This is inclusive of all verbal, sexual, financial and physical abuse. When a family is poor children are often aware that there is no money and do not trouble the parents unnecessarily. it is when there are delusions of grandeur that children grow up with unrealistic expectations.

5. Mollycodling
Children brought up this way grow up to be irritating adults; little tyrants - Hitlers and Stalins in the making, little wimps who cannot function without their parents. These children are also emotionally crippled and are incapable of becoming parents on their own without a support structure.

Of course there are some who are an exception to the rule. Those who are throwback to their upbringing. Some who become better inspite of their upbringing, some who are little monsters despite being brought up in a positively nurturing environment.

We are who we are because of how we were brought up. Our scars or lack of are a constant reminder of what we should be thankful of. So ask your self what type of parent you are or you want to be. How do you want your children to turn out? Will you be able to live with them? Will others be able to live with them?

peace,

fadz

The rains have descended

It is that time again; the time which farmers especially love and the lazy ones hate. If you do not like working in the fields, now is not a good time to visit the rural areas as you will be roped into helping in the ploughing. This is the time when the lazy ones suddenly become ill and the illnesses last until the end of the farming season. I do not like working in the fields at all. Anything to do with working with the soil is anathema to me.

After the intense heat of last week and part of this week, we were offered a respite on Tuesday. The heavens opened and we were awash with blessings. Soul sistas danced in the rain while those who are not cursed and ran for cover. Those who use soap as moisturiser had a hard time with soap in their eyes.

It is strange though how the moment there is a dense cloud cover or an indication that it is going to rain, Harare motorists just lose it and become animals. The congestion becomes a nightmare. And with the rains here, the roads which have for long been in a state of dis repair are going to deteriorate further. The potholes are enough to sink ships and people are going to have to set aside a bit of money to the repair of the axle and the replacement of the tyres.


So enjoy the rain and be wary of those suspicious pools of water on the roads.

peace,

fadz

'driving' in Harare

I am not a really 'green' and will only walk to work if I am too broke to fill up my tank. I live a 10 minute walk away from work and I am sure by not walking to work I am increasing my carbon footprint and worsening my unfit state. I complained a few months ago about how reckless Harare drivers are, and what a nightmare it is to drive in Harare. It used to be just specific parts of the city but now its freaking everywhere! I am over any road rage that I might have harboured still. Fuel is freaking expensive! Time is freaking expensive! And you spend two hours in traffic with your foot firmly on the clutch (or the brake pedal if you drive an automatic) for so long that by the time you get home you need a full body massage.

Yesterday I dropped my kids off at home and promptly backed into a stationary car which had parked behind me as the kids got out of the car. I had been thinking about the mountains of marking waiting for me at work and curtains I needed to make for a friend's house. I was tired, emotional and absentminded. Never looked to check there was noone or nothing behind me.

Talk about reckless! Not the person who parked behind me. No. Me! I was shocked. I had joined the rank of the faceless hundreds who regularly persecute others on the roads! I was so shaken that I almost left the car to walk back to work. But I like my sedentary lifestyle (although not the body that comes with it) and I gave in to the urge and drove back to work shaking all the way. Although there was no damage to my car or the one I backed into, the incident showed me that I need to rethink the way I relate with my surroundings and people on the road.

Driving is almost the same as life, negotiating (meandering through relations which are fraught with land mines), compromising (lowering your standards for the greater good), giving way (letting others have their way for the sake of peace), hitting a speed bump (those moments in life when your life just literary stops; loss, retrenchment, death, heartbreak or an event which makes take stock of your life), getting stopped to let others by (those times when we selfishly pursue our own agendas and someone gives us a reality check), and sometimes taking the favoured road (when you life is going just right). As with the traffic lights you stop, you are cautioned and you are free to go.

I will try not to shout at fellow motorists who up to now seemed to make stupid mistakes. My speed bump showed me that I too can make those mistakes I previously thought lame and stupid. Reality check.

peace,

fadz

when we cheat

A couple of years ago a friend (whom we shall call Yvonne) got pregnant by a man (Lovemore) she did not want to get married to for a number of reasons, the topmost being that he had no potential of becoming a good provider. Another friend (Tesla) advised her that she could tell one of her on/off/ on again boyfriends who had lots of money that they were responsible. I found it morally reprehensible and told Yvonne as much. Yvonne did not listen and ended up marrying Gift (one of the moneyed boyfriends). Two years into her marriage to Gift, Yvonne started seeing Lovemore on the sly.

It has become normal for men and women to cheat on their partners. There are some people who actually think it is quite normal and the in thing to fornicate left right and centre. Whilst some people find it disgusting to have more than one sexual/emotional partners, the human being is programmed to love over and over again. Which is the reason why it is easy for us to move on when we lose or are ditched by our loved ones. Which is why some of us are capable of being in love with more than one person at the same time. There is nothing wrong right?

Right.

It becomes wrong when other people in the relationship do not know that there are other players in the play. When we get into relationships, we have expectations. If one knows that the person they are 'dating' is also seeing other people when they are not with one, then one can make plans accordingly. If one is into a group thing or a polygamous set up; it would be beneficial for their partner to be aware of the fact. Once one is aware of the situation, it is highly likely there won't be fists flying and lots of tears on the encounter of a partner with one of their bit on the side.

People frown on open relationships but they are the healthiest when we get to the basics. If you know what your partner is doing and with whom, the fear and uncertainty that pervades most relationships is removed. It is when people lie and try to hurt each other that you end up with blood and stains on the floor.

If full disclosure is difficult and there is a pressing need to lie, then you might be in the wrong relationship. When you find yourself sneaking into the bathroom or sitting in your car in the dark to answer a call, the possibility is you want to have your cake and eat it too. In the end you end up with just too much drama. So when you decide to cheat, think if it is worth it. Incidentally, Yvonne and Gift are divorcing.


peace,

fadz

of gay people in zimbabwe

So the other day the Prime minister of Zimbabwe Morgan Tsvangirai said something in support of gay people in Zimbabwe. That there should be something in the constitution to protect gay rights. There was an uproar and the debate is still ongoing on the permissibility of a man of his stature saying such on national television.

The debate is christian based with the root in Genesis 18 where the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed because of fornication and iniquity. The ones who are gay will be punished according to Deuteronomy 28. In my opinion people should just worry about their own salvation and stop worrying about what other people do in their beds or out of with their bodies.Whether you have committed a 'small' sin or a 'big' one, a sin is still a sin.

Whilst being gay is a choice (or not) that someone makes, it does not figure that they want everyone to be gay. Just as a woman can turn down a proposition from a man in the street, so can anyone turn down overtures from anyone who is gay. I have always been of the opinion that those who are actively anti gay are closet gays themselves. It is unchristian to judge and persecute. Unchristian to hate. Hating gay people because homosexuality is a sin is as bad as committing any other sin. Will you really disown your own child if they turned out to be gay? As a nation we have developed a culture of intolerance that is frightening. For a nation that is extremely anti gay the men seem to love the skinny jeans and metro sexual fashions that have gay origins. Think on it!

Love your neighbour. Love yourself.


peace,

fadz