The feelings of inadequacy that we have, the constant need for validation might stem from the way we were raised. If you find yourself in a relationship where you constantly need to be told how lovely you are and that you are loved, then you might not have have gotten enough love as a child or there were too many of you in your family for your parents' love to go around adequately. WE constantly need validation for our actions seeking approval for what we do and the decisions we make because we never got them in the first place. Our parents' relationships account for the failure or success we make of our own relationships. We more often than not learn from our parents how we should or should not conduct ourselves and their relationships affect our lives profoundly.
That is why some of us find ourselves in the same toxic relationship that our parents had. There are different types of relationships which affect children and determine how they are going to turn out.
1. Loving and loyal
Some parents provide a balance in their children's lives and love them equally. There are no known favourites. The parents themselves are loving and loyal to each other and as a result their children love others without reserve. Children brought up this way are least likely to become insufferable adults and are tolerant of others who are different. It helps also if the parents are knowledgeable about the world and promote diversity.
2. Judgemental
It does not matter how hard a child tries to excel, the effort will never be enough. The children are constantly compared to friend's and relative's children. If there are high achievers in other families, then the children will be in constant trouble. There is constant need for validation and the love is grudgingly given. It costs to get any love from the parents. Children brought up this way will most likely equate love with monetary and material gain. They constantly monetise their attention and affection.
3. Cold and distant
Parents who do not know how to relate with their children and are also usually judgemental too. The chidren are emotionally retarded and do not know how to love. As adults they constantly sabotage their relationships because they find it difficult to show what they feel.
4. Abusive
This is inclusive of all verbal, sexual, financial and physical abuse. When a family is poor children are often aware that there is no money and do not trouble the parents unnecessarily. it is when there are delusions of grandeur that children grow up with unrealistic expectations.
5. Mollycodling
Children brought up this way grow up to be irritating adults; little tyrants - Hitlers and Stalins in the making, little wimps who cannot function without their parents. These children are also emotionally crippled and are incapable of becoming parents on their own without a support structure.
Of course there are some who are an exception to the rule. Those who are throwback to their upbringing. Some who become better inspite of their upbringing, some who are little monsters despite being brought up in a positively nurturing environment.
We are who we are because of how we were brought up. Our scars or lack of are a constant reminder of what we should be thankful of. So ask your self what type of parent you are or you want to be. How do you want your children to turn out? Will you be able to live with them? Will others be able to live with them?
peace,
fadz
That is why some of us find ourselves in the same toxic relationship that our parents had. There are different types of relationships which affect children and determine how they are going to turn out.
1. Loving and loyal
Some parents provide a balance in their children's lives and love them equally. There are no known favourites. The parents themselves are loving and loyal to each other and as a result their children love others without reserve. Children brought up this way are least likely to become insufferable adults and are tolerant of others who are different. It helps also if the parents are knowledgeable about the world and promote diversity.
2. Judgemental
It does not matter how hard a child tries to excel, the effort will never be enough. The children are constantly compared to friend's and relative's children. If there are high achievers in other families, then the children will be in constant trouble. There is constant need for validation and the love is grudgingly given. It costs to get any love from the parents. Children brought up this way will most likely equate love with monetary and material gain. They constantly monetise their attention and affection.
3. Cold and distant
Parents who do not know how to relate with their children and are also usually judgemental too. The chidren are emotionally retarded and do not know how to love. As adults they constantly sabotage their relationships because they find it difficult to show what they feel.
4. Abusive
This is inclusive of all verbal, sexual, financial and physical abuse. When a family is poor children are often aware that there is no money and do not trouble the parents unnecessarily. it is when there are delusions of grandeur that children grow up with unrealistic expectations.
5. Mollycodling
Children brought up this way grow up to be irritating adults; little tyrants - Hitlers and Stalins in the making, little wimps who cannot function without their parents. These children are also emotionally crippled and are incapable of becoming parents on their own without a support structure.
Of course there are some who are an exception to the rule. Those who are throwback to their upbringing. Some who become better inspite of their upbringing, some who are little monsters despite being brought up in a positively nurturing environment.
We are who we are because of how we were brought up. Our scars or lack of are a constant reminder of what we should be thankful of. So ask your self what type of parent you are or you want to be. How do you want your children to turn out? Will you be able to live with them? Will others be able to live with them?
peace,
fadz
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